Some Random Thing For School

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Some Random Thing For School

Post by advent_of_apocalypse on Tue Dec 02, 2008 7:04 pm

We're doing a creative writing thing and the final copy of this is due in a few weeks. This is obviously just a very rough draft, and it's far from complete, but I wanna see if I should change anything so far or take a different route entirely.

The phone, laying on the hardwood floor, eroded by his blind rage, emitted a sharp screech, then shut off. He concealed his face with his quivering palms. As tears moistened his skin, countless thoughts and visions materialized in his mind, buzzing and whirling about like a swarm of agitated wasps. Fate had brought such immense tragedy to him within a few brief moments, and his arsenal of emotional weapons had no arms to repel such a powerful offensive. The heat of his reemerging rage began to dry his hands. He violently jerked them away, unmasking himself to the heavens, cursing at the sky. Waiting a few moments in foolish anticipation, he realized that his gestures came to no avail, as the last of his attempts to relieve himself of the immense pain proved futile. His mind, left completely exposed, withered as it faced the storm of sorrow and rage that had finally taken full effect.


Last edited by advent_of_apocalypse on Tue Dec 02, 2008 11:02 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Some Random Thing For School

Post by Obsessed on Tue Dec 02, 2008 7:40 pm

O___o

Holy shiit John xD


Its amazing.. but if anything you've used too much description. If you want something to run smoothly, its better to use sentences that are a mix of being really descriptive and then some that arent so much. If that makes sense O.o

And this proves that its totaly bullshiizen that Im smarter than you xD

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Re: Some Random Thing For School

Post by advent_of_apocalypse on Tue Dec 02, 2008 11:04 pm

Obsessed wrote:O___o

Holy shiit John xD


Its amazing.. but if anything you've used too much description. If you want something to run smoothly, its better to use sentences that are a mix of being really descriptive and then some that arent so much. If that makes sense O.o

And this proves that its totaly bullshiizen that Im smarter than you xD

Hehe, I had a feeling that might have been the case. I always felt that my writing wasn't descriptive enough so I kinda went a bit overboard with this passage. xD Anyway, I shall keep that in mind. >8D

And hush, you ish mah genius. x3

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